Don't make out with my wife yet
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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