I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
