I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
