oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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