drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
