doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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