Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Found your dick twin last night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
