we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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