Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
