I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
