Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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