the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
