I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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