Soap is not a condiment
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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