can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
