my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
