Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
