why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
