SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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