I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
