I haven't been this sober since birth.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I had to cum in my sink.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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