A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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