I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
