Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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