How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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