it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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