3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
