I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
