I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
