her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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