Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
People in love make me want to vomit
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
