P.S. I can't hear my feet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
