Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
