Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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