What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
