just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
