So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just invented taco cereal.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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