His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
