His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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