I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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