A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
