my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
