Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
