So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
