We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
