She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
