i was born a porn star she said
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
