he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
