As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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