When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
