I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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